The Current State of Hannah Meloche
I sort of forgot that I did not have to write erudite blog entries. Most blogs that I read are those of seasoned writers with individualistic prose and introspective topics and I felt a wave of relief wash over me when I remembered that A. I am not selling my soul to internet fame under the mise of “journalism” and B. like 5 people have the password to this thing and I think only 2 of them check it. Soooo I want to talk about something that's been on my mind for a long time… the Current State of Hannah Meloche.
Hannah Meloche is a youtuber who is inherently evil because she is younger than me. Born in February of 2001, our aquarius queen was a Michigander before moving to Hawaii during the pandemic. Her youtuber status was cemented by the infamous trio the “girdies” consisting of herself, Ellie Thumann, and Emma Chamberlain.
I recently rewatched a “girdies” vlog from years ago and quickly had to turn it off out of embarrassment for who I idolized a mere 3/4 years ago. Instead of seeing three relatable famous best friends having the time of their lives like I once did, the video feels far more bleak upon a rewatch. Now, I see three chronically online girls latching onto each other after being thrust into a national spotlight at the ripe age of sixteen. They go get coffee and pose for pictures for Instagram, then rip the phone out of the photographer's hand to immediately assess their quality. This posing takes up about 20% of the video. Their friendship is so obviously temporary and teenage in a way that only becomes clear when you watch it in retrospect.
Hannah is uniquely positioned within the girdies as being the obviously least successful (sorry). Ellie is an IMG model with a net worth of $3 million, and Emma Chamberlain is a literal celebrity now. We know this posteriorly, but even in the moment it was so clear that Hannah was shackled by her insecurity in the face of Ellie’s physicality and especially Emma’s personality. The girdies background research is relevant because it allows us into the Meloche Psychology. In this video, she does not attempt to hide herself looking to Emma for constant validation. The way that Hannah looks to Emma for assurance is still palpable in the way she mimics Emma's transitions in videography. Emma’s graceful maturation towards a more depressed video essay format has clearly influenced Hannah, who now has begun to incorporate similar introspectiveness and editing style.
I took a break from Hannah Meloche for a while and I was not up to date with her antics. In that time, I know she started a jewelry company called “Starlight Village” that sells Brandy Melville style accessories. Basically, the girdies set the stage for why Hannah behaves the way she does now, which is what I really want to talk about.
As one who also moved during the pandemic, I completely understand the necessary step of uprooting your life and chasing a dream. However, in the past twelve months, Hannah has “moved” to Hawaii, “moved” home to Michigan, “moved” into her boyfriend's family home, “moved” to New York, and “moved” back to Hawaii. Clearly someone is experiencing a little bit of indecision, maybe even some aimlessness? Her chaotic travels are not something to criticize but instead are concerning- constantly changing your surroundings and not having the security of a home certainly contributes to the very public condition of one’s mental state. Her anxiety and sadness is palpable in most videos and it is exasperated by her ever evolving surroundings.
When Hannah first arrived in Hawaii, I was of course quick to judge. Bold of you, nineteen year old youtuber, to move to a state that is particularly hurt by the pandemic and where locals are begging transplants to stop coming. Regardless, I watched. The Hannah Meloche Universe (HMU) became a visual feast; her drone shots of the water and the sweaty Jeep rides were enough to get me, a self admittedly terminally indoors person, to consider stepping outside.
She quickly made added a friend group to the HMU in Hawaii, and what is a group of friends without a nickname? Hannah racked her brain for a clever title for her new crew and she came up with… wait… “the crew?” Okay, I guess, I shouldn't expect anything particularly clever from the girl who named her jewelry company “Starlight Village.” This was one of my favorite eras of Hannah’s youtube this year. She started producing content in a sort of mockumentary sitcom style, like watching The Office except they're all barely 20, almost naked, and screaming. In these videos, Hannah drives home her pride of having “guy friends” and their respective cheese grater stomachs. They are so ridiculously entertaining because it is exactly the type of friendship that I would’ve longed for in my freshman year of high-school, but now it is blatantly trite and disingenuous.
Enter: Dean. Dean is one of the aforementioned boy-toys in Hannah’s “crew”, and has become one of my all-time favorite characters in all of the HMU. He has a quality about him that makes me want to commit to lesbianism for the rest of my life. As a dumb surfer himbo, the two of course immediately hit it off because they share one braincell. They refused to address their obvious relationship until it was LEAKED, chronicled by another fascinating video on Hannah's page. The couple communicates in a hilariously handicapped way that shows that their brains are rotted by analytics and have no idea how to interact when the camera turns off: they are CONSTANTLY surprising each other. Surprising each other with activities, with gifts, with visits, the list goes on because it happens in almost every single video he is in. The two of them have built a relationship that relies upon secrecy and shock value, and seemingly only express affection by keeping the other one in the dark until they shock them with some over the top display. When they interact normally, he casually harasses her in a teenage-bully fashion, that kind gives you butterflies when you have a crush in the 5th grade. Hannah just giggles, in fact she laughs at absolutely everything he says.
Okay now to prove that I’m not just bitter and single and a bitch, it is time for the video that pushed me over the edge and made me fully obsessed with the enigma that is Hannah Meloche. In a now deleted video from over the summer, Hannah and her boy toy Dean surprise Hannah’s best friend Meredith with a blind date (which is maybe one of the worst things you could do to your friend ever). Meredith is a staple character in the HMU, a gorgeous girl who is only ever granted the title of “best” friend when Hannah hasn’t seen Ellie in a couple of months. If you were not lucky enough to catch this video when it aired, don’t worry, I’ll provide a play-by-play:
Hannah is living at her boyfriend Dean’s house, Meredith is coming to visit.
They spend the morning cooking and setting up a table in his backyard. The set up looks like a child playing “restaurant'' with their mother.
Dean is shirtless with an apron on.
We meet the mystery man: Dean’s ugly ass friend who clearly has never been on a date. He has the physical build of a band kid. I’m pretty sure Dean forced him to put on a suit.
The camera cuts between pre-date interviews between the girls and the guys. It is clear both Meredith and the Band Kid did not realize what they were getting themselves into.
They sit their friends at the table and force them to “date.”
They film the entire thing.
Dean harasses them as he brings out their food. I’m also pretty sure he rubbed some food on his friend at one point in an attempt to be funny.
Hannah and Dean are calling eachother “babe” every other sentence and laughing their asses off.
The video ends with a really awkward vibe.
I watched that video with such a sour taste in my mouth, but also felt victorious because I was finally able to articulate why Hannah is so alluring to me. Hannah was so ready to exploit her friend’s discomfort for content, she was excited to set her up for failure, and proud enough of it to edit into a cohesive video and upload it to the internet. Hannah is so fun to watch because she is so audacious in her insufferablity, so bold in her naivety, and so assured in her insecurity. Hannah reminds us that the youtube girls are just like us: covered in acne, dating men who suck, and insecure as hell. Thanks Hannah, please never stop Youtubing.
